The Seven Stages the Scatter-Brained Test Taker Goes Through During AP Tests

1. The Mock Confidence

I’m totally ready for this test that I should have studied more often for. I totes know my stuff and I’m totes prepared even though I forgot everything or remembered to bring too much. (Apparently, I don’t need a First Aid Kit for AP Calculus. Who knew?)

2. The Primary Stage of Paralysis

The moment I pick up my pencil and turn the page, I freeze up. I read the first section of my AP Literature test and stiffen. It’s like poetry’s poison is seething through my veins and destroying any cell of confidence within me. I need the antidote fast.

3. The Cautious Couple-of-Seconds Courage

I muster anything positive-fluffy-dogs-pooping-rainbows-feels from deep within my soulless being and read the first couple passages and questions. Once finished, I check the clock. SH*T. Twenty minutes for thirty questions! I grab at my chest and cry internally some more.

4. The Christmas Tree Scantron Sheet

Now it’s time to decorate the sheet with guesses and hang the A, B, C, D, and E ornaments. Once or twice, I put too many ornaments on the same branch so I’m forced to erase it all over again.

5. The Christmas Vacation Remedy to Said Scantron Sheet

Once I’m finished, I debate whether or not I should set this whole “tree” on fire. The ashes of my test would give me more points than my actual work and effort. I throw my head up to the heavens with arms outstretched, silently sobbing.

6. Pushing Through the Labor of Testing Like Your Mom Did With You

I’m crying. But in the basement of the Purch office building, no one can hear my screams. I push through each and every question, struggling to make a detective’s deduction on what the AP Test Creators really want from me. Maybe there’s too many A’s. I should add some more C’s. D’s? B’s? Maybe my tears will give birth to a 4, by some fudging miracle.

7. Denouement

The Essay portion rolls around and now I’m in my zone. My sobs creep down to a tranquil volume and cease. My hands ache from the tension but illustrate my arguments in beautiful, neat handwriting. Euphoria washes over me like my dog’s tongue slobbering across my face. Sorta disgusting, but delightful nevertheless. As the end of the test approaches, I raise my pen high above my head in triumph. Today was a long, arduous battle, but alas! I survived as victor!